Hello. I know it's been a while. I've been dreading writing this post because the one person I always thought of when writing cannot read this anymore. My grandpa passed away in September. He was always so encouraging and never let me badger myself into a nothing. When I was younger, I remember having an argument with him about whether I was a leader or a follower. Naturally, he said I was definitely a leader, like it was in my blood or something. Back then, I was content to be a follower, and let him know that. He was not satisfied that is granddaughter was settling to be a follower. I have since learned that I am a leader. However, I am apparently one of the few that knows how to be an indian when there are too many chiefs. I think he saw me come into my leader form in high school and in my own adult life. I'm glad. Still, this blog is hard to write.
Updates. Vocal lessons are continuing. I have an amazing vocal coach that is working with me on mixing my chest voice and head voice. Can I just say how hard this technique is. It blows my mind, but I'm hoping if I work hard enough at it, it'll finally click like algebra. My head voice is not strong, yet, but she tells me the more I work with it, the stronger it will get. I'm hoping a sense of controlling it will come with practice, too. Right now, it feels very out of control. A few weeks ago, she taught me chords to go with one of the songs I've written. I tell you, the first time I played them and sang my words, I almost cried. It's amazing to hear something you've written come to life like that. Granted, my piano skills are not up to par, but even imagining what it could sound like with someone that knows how to work the keys, sounds so amazing to me. Still, a few weeks later, and I feel much frustration with it. I'm not sure if it's just my piano skills not being where they need to be, or if I'm lacking inspiration, or if I'm just scared and want to give up. I guess it's normal to feel roadblocked occasionally, uninspired, or angry at the work...I don't know why that's a normal thing, though. I wish it wasn't. I struggle with being certain about what I want to do with my life. I know I feel closest to God when I'm singing. I like to write. When someone asks what I want to do, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm a songwriter." But, I don't say it confidently. I sound shy and embarrassed. I met two phenomenal musicians tonight, and I felt like a kid at an adult party. Who am I to want to do what you do? Who am I to say I'm even a songwriter when I don't even have one fully written? However, when people ask, it's easier to say songwriter than singer. I really want to be a singer. Looking out at the audience tonight from backstage, I tried to picture myself up there. I thought about what it would feel like. Would I be nervous? Is that something I could really see myself doing? God, that crowd looked beautiful. I realized how much I wanted to be up there. I also realized by judging myself, I had put my judgement above God's. So what if I don't have what "I" think is a good enough voice to be on radio! So what if "I" think "Who am I to..." So what if "I" think I don't deserve it. Well, that's not my call is it. That's God's call, and if I feel most at peace, and closest to Him when I sing, there's something there--bigger than what "I" think--and to ignore it would be a tragedy. So, I will keep working. I will learn how to use my voice properly as to not hurt myself. I will keep writing, even if the writing's crap. I will try not to get frustrated with the piano. I will keep going. I will keep moving. I know His will is stronger than my doubt. Now, I will move on with that conviction, and hold fast to the end of His robes. I know I'm in for a wild ride if I let Him steer my ship.
(Picture credit goes to Justin Shaffer. That's us at a Pumpkin Patch!)
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